The Irrepressibly Obsessively (Obviously Fictitiously) STINGY MITT!
By Gary Pearlson © 2012 poet@rationallyexpressed.com
www.rationallyexpressed.com
(A response to Mitt Romney's assertion the $1 per person per year (http://www.pbs.org/funding) spent on PBS isn't worth it.)
Romney is a stingy guy.
Hard to convince him to buy.
Turns into a nervous wreck.
When it’s time to pay the check.
Though well fed, trying to lose weight.
Still compelled to clean his plate.
Picks a bank in walking range.
Each day deposits his spare change.
Widely agreed, easy to see.
That Mitt strives to be … miserly.
Acts in a flash, frantic and rash.
When sensing chances to save cash.
Without a doubt, he’s all about.
What
it costs … after discount.
Gladly endures ordeals and trials.
That earn him extra airline miles.
Will drive far out of his way.
To skip paying for valet.
Drives for miles, seeking a sign.
With a cheaper plus point nine.
Though brand new, will still demand.
To pay what it costs second hand.
Though almost moldy, days past stale.
Still can't resist buying on sale.
Though wilted still insists they stay.
Despite pleas they be thrown away.
Needs to know, before he'll go.
He'll be offered ... a combo.
All his dreams and fantasies.
Involve some sort of savings spree.
His nightly prayers include the plea.
“Send a buy one, get one free.”
Constantly seeking advice.
‘Bout how to get a better price.
Badgers, panders and appeals.
To those who know ‘bout the best deals.
Refuses to click to agree.
Without a price match guarantee.
Eagerly queries Google.
Searching “Deals for the frugal”.
Stays up late, though very tired.
To use coupons close to expired.
Hissy fits. Red-faced hysterics.
At stores that don’t carry generics.
Screams and shouts “Won’t come again!”
If not given a bargain.
Needs help getting past the hate.
Paying without a rebate.
And the devastating stress.
When he learns … could have paid less.
Plans aborted. Chances lost.
Calculating every cost.
Obsessively spends his time.
Documenting every dime.
To Mitt it’s always time well spent.
Precisely spending every cent.
A creaky floor. A crooked shelf.
‘Cause Mitt won’t pay. Does it himself.
From palatial to a sty.
By failed attempts at D.I.Y.
And daily trips to warehouse stores.
Says “You pay less when you buy more!”
These methods ‘bout which he’s so proud.
Are flawed and fiscally unsound.
Don’t promote growth or sustained wealth.
Forsake investing in one’s self.
Though may at first fulfill some wish.
They’re penny wise and pound foolish.